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Wanted!
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Adoption Issues
When you decide to become an adoptive parent, you're in for an emotional roller coaster ride.
Be aware and ready for the various adoption issues you'll encounter as you make your transition into this new role. You'll have to deal with the raw emotions within you and in your future relationship with your prospective adoptive child.
Your research and preparations will go a long way to help your adoptive child adjust to his new life. On the other hand, a lack of preparation may hurt the both of you.
Preparations For The Prospective Adoptive Parent
- Getting Spousal Approval And Support
You can't go through this alone. You'll have to make this commitment together with your spouse. His life will be as affected as yours. Both of you will have to discuss and decide on how to accept and include a new member into your marriage.
- Handling Doubts
Settle your doubts and identity issues before opening your door to your adoptive child. If you would be a confident adoptive parent, you'll have to get over any sense of failure or guilt for not being able to conceive your own flesh and blood.
You'll also have to deal with your uncertainty about whether you can have a fulfilling relationship with your prospective adoptive child.
Such feelings have to be acknowledged and dealt with honestly to put you in a better position to accept your adoptive child as your own.
- Maturity
Are you mature enough in your own life to provide the right kind of nurturing to your prospective adoptive child?
Judging yourselves now, is your motivation to be an adoptive parent a need to fill a vacuum in your life per se, or is it coupled with a genuine desire to make someone else's life better?
You'll have to settle early on in your deliberations to adopt, how you will be later on. Ask yourself tough questions such as these:
"Will I regret my decision to be an adoptive parent one day?"
"Will I reject my adoptive child if he doesn't live up to my expectations?"
"Will I give up easily if the going gets tough?"
"What if I conceive my own baby after adoption, am I able to love both my baby and my adoptive child equally?"
- Realistic Expectations On Parenting
Parenting is never convenient.
Priorities in life will have to be rearranged. Are you prepared to slow down your life, change your unhealthy lifestyle and sacrifice financially for your adoptive child? Natural parents have to make many preparations to get ready for baby. You may learn something from them.
- Involving Others
Family members and close friends are important people you'll have to prepare for your impending decision to adopt.
Discuss with them how they can be supportive. Go through with them how to relate with your adoptive child and not asked insensitive questions especially if he is an older child.
Get their help to ease your adoptive child into his new life and neighborhood. Be ready to explain to nosey or well-meaning neighbors and friends about the new addition to your family.
If your adoptive child is from a different race or ethnic group, be mindful of racial prejudice. Sound out your friends, neighbors, schools, and your local religious institution. See if they will accept, love, and help you raise this speical child with sincerity. If not, you may do him a favour by moving to a more democractic and accepting community.
- Coping With The Adoption Process
Couples may find their relationship stressed by the demands of the adoption process. Continue to support one another emotionally and tend to your marriage. Understand each other more by keeping communication going, talk frequently about parenting styles, discipline, religious education, and other child-raising issues.
Understanding Your Prospective Adoptive Child
Your prospective adoptive child will have a harder time than you adjusting to the new arrangement. Put yourself in his shoes and try to look at his world from his perspective.
- Profile Of A Bruised Child
Unless he's a newborn baby, he'll not fit nicely into your home like a hand to a glove. This is especially so if you've adopted an older child from foster care.
Picture him, he would most probably have received a less-than-ideal start in life. Being so, he may present special needs and handicaps that'll make him feel like a social misfit. He may have been neglected or abused and would require a great deal of empathy and sensitivity from you to understand and draw him out of his shell. There may be bad habits or behaviorial patterns to break that'll require your loving discipline and firm correction. Perhaps he may require medical attention due to earlier malnutrition or diseases and this will be an added financial strain on you.
Besides all these, if he is an older child, he may feel alienated from you initially. Be understanding and give him time to love, trust and accept you.
If you've dealt with your feelings earlier and understand what you'll be getting from adopting such a child, it would be easier to cope with the challenges ahead as an adoptive parent.
- Cultural Differences
Imagine what life is like if you're suddenly transported to a foreign land. People look different, dress different, eat different food and speak a different language. You as an adult will be upset too if you've to leave your accustomed lifestyle overnight.
Bear this in mind if you adopt a foreign child. It would be good to add some elements of the child's original culture into your lifestyle. One tip to help him adjust in your environment is to form friendships with people of your child's ethnicity if you haven't already have such friendships.
You'll add colors to your life and discover unexpected joys and fulfillment in raising a child of another race.
- Curiosity Of His Parentage
As he grows under your care, a time will come when he'll be curious about his background and parentage. He'll want to know what his parents looked like, what they do for a living and most importantly, why did they give him away?
Bear in mind that such interest is not a sign of rejection. He is not an ingrate. This is a natural development of event, something that's bound to happen in the future. ALL adoptive children will ask their adoptive parents such questions sometime, somehow.
It is understandable that there is an unconscious rivalry between you, the adoptive parent and your child's biological mother even if you have never met her before. If you've settled your own feelings of doubts and guilt earlier on, and are comfortable with your adoptive child's biological origin, you'll be able to handle such enquiries with not too much trouble.
Pre-empt all the possible questions and consider how to explain things to him. To prepare for this, you should have some information on his birthparents. If you've adopted a baby, think of when to tell him that he's adopted and how to break this news to him. Put it to him positively, telling him how special he is, how you've chosen him to be your own.
Some adoptive parents feel so insecure that they're never prepared for this day to come. They're afraid of loosing their child if he finds out about his adoption and they hide this fact from him. But he'll know somehow and this can freak out the parents if they're unprepared.
Sadly, such unprepared adoptive parents usually make the mistake of answering questions defensively and creating an unnecessary wall between themselves and their adoptive child. Their responses can hurt the child very much and create unneccesary guilt in him.
Do your adoptive child a favor, be mentally prepared for this day to come and be very supportive. You have nothing to be ashamed of and your child should feel safe and secured to pour out his fears to you.
Besides asking questions, your adoptive child may request to search for his birth parents. This may not be the best option for him because his biological mother may not want to face up to her past. If this day comes and your child insists on this course of action, do engage the help of counsellors to work out his emotional issues. Be there for him in the search for his birthparents. He may or may not like what he sees.
Suggestions For An Easier Transition
- Acquire Skills In Infant And Child Care
Prepare yourself by attending classes on infant and child care and development. Some adoption agencies run such courses for prospective adoptive parents.
- Create A Private Ceremony Or A Celebration
Create a ceremony to ease your transition into the role of an adoptive mom, or a celebration to usher in your adoptive child into your family. If you're adopting a newborn, you can organize a baby shower for yourself because you are a mom-to-be in your own right! If you're adopting an older child, organize a warm welcoming party for him with other family members and close friends.
- Make A Video
Create a visual historical record showing your child's entry into your life. You can show this to him when he's older and when he begins to ask questions of his origin. Your child will feel connected to you if he can see the anticipations, trepidations and lengths you've gone through to adopt him.
- Join An Adoptive Parent Support Group
Join an adoptive parent support group. This is a good place to share concerns and learn the practical dos and don'ts of raising your child.
We're not looking for perfect adoptive parents, but sincere and responsible ones who would spend time to think through all the adoption issues before taking the plunge.
Adoption by loving and secure parents help save many unwanted children from a wretched life. Children need guidance from parents and a warm and receptive home, and if you need and love children, I hope you can find your special child and create a delightful family together!
May God bless you.
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